Is it Asthma?

The pain in my lungs returned. It was sharp, but only lasted a breath.

My first chest x-ray was when I was at the end of elementary school, I had complained of chest pain for awhile. The results were inconclusive.
After a high school track run in the dusty building I got a lung infection. I had to breathe with this special machine that I could easily plug into an outlet, the medicine was dispersed through air. I also got an inhaler. The NP said it might be exercise-induced asthma. I had to stay at home. I was out a week. My friends had joked that they thought I had died. I continued track but didn't do that much running. Ironically.

The first year of college my breathing troubles appeared again. I cried in my dorm after a run. I had to accept the wheeze whenever I ran. I still get slightly lightheaded and have difficulty expelling breath. I still run though cause I love it. Compounding my breathing difficulties, my weak, once-sprained ankle acts up now and then so I can only run continuously in short bursts, until the pain returns and strains my weak ankle. It's frustrating. I once dreamt about running, there was no chest burning or pain. I felt like I was speeding frictionless through the air. It was amazing. But it was still a dream; untrue.

Whenever I went to health services for severe chest coughing, I would always get a cough suppressant and a suggestion of taking allergy medication. They never confirmed if I had asthma though. Once in a while I'll have some mild coughing, but its easily manageable, so I don't bother going to the doctor to get it checked out. I should though, I know better.

I think I know how I'm going to die, if it's ever natural. It's going to be due to my lungs breathing ineffectively. They're going to betray me.

In Limbo

Yeah it's been 3 months since I touched this blog. I guess whoever reads this, I should let you know that it's been hard living at home and studying for an exam in May and preparing my school applications for June. I can't help but procrastinate. It might be due to my fear of failure or...I don't know, maybe realizing I'm in over my head. My internet usage has been up though. Not in writing this blog haha oh no, I've been cheating with you blogger, i'm sorry, but tumblr is just more BAM BAM POW and quick.Oh wait not in that way just in quick consumption of knowledge and pictures. Maybe that is why I've been feeling discombobulated, because I haven't been putting down my thoughts in long-form here on this blog. Aka my personal therapy. Well here goes another go.
Though the next one might be about scented candles.


Music Recommendation:
Tei Chi's new album Saudade

-Dark, delirious, and deep. Self-called "mermaid music".

Some Things I Want In Life Right Now:

1. To figure out what tattoos should wind up on my body, obviously ones that are "hidden".

2. Wear an ear cuff, or maybe have my cartilage pierced,  I don't really know why, I feel like it would fit my aesthetic. \_(^_^)_/

3. Travel around the UK, perhaps call London my home base. For the longest time I've wanted to live in NYC but now it just seems, not dull or uninteresting, but not full of that same magic that I thought was there. I still love NYC but London just seems more wonderful because it is less explored.

4. Befriend people who are into MUSIC the same way I am in it. Not just passionate listeners because I've met and befriended some lovely music-y people. I mean ones that play music and aren't full of themselves and discouraging/non-encouraging. Like a group of people who love listening to your music and sharing theirs with you in like the "Lost Generation" environment. I kind of had that in college but eh I was never really part of the scene ie I didn't fit in. Plus I was still developing my sound and songs. To be honest there was a songwriting club that tremendously helped me in honing my skills/craft. So it wasn't all a waste of time, I made one or two friends and attended some sweet music shows in college or in a basement/apt. I also performed for the first time.
OH god I'm going on a spiel, but I remember freshman year I told myself and a friend that I wanted to be a musician and I was going to learn to play guitar (I had already been songwriting since middle school-although many of the songs and snippets were shite), and then sing my songs in front of a crowd. Cue to my senior year and I FUCKING DID THAT, I played a few college and Boston-area open mics. ANYWAYS. I just want fit in with a group of like-minded people but ones that challenge you and help you grow musically but also party and talk about politics with.

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

5. NOT TRY but do an album of my songs, make it all by myself or as other professionals say-PRODUCE. It might be shitty quality because I don't have a legit mic-I just gots me old macbook with garageband and soundcloud on my phone(records better than my mac).

6. This list turned from superficial to deep. I need to read more, great I'm continuing what my life goals are.

7. Play SNL (ha not right now but maybe in my mid-twenties) I know I'll be better than HAIM, pssh

8. Eat and not get fat. It's weird the last 6 months I've been exercising and didn't lose any weight. This past two weeks I didn't exercise and ate constantly because we had a relative over and I lost five pounds. WTF Body, you're frustrating me and my psyche. So I guess I'm just eating less, I'm starving right now.

(starvin' for some fresh beats no what I'm sayin')

9. Sell my old/never worn and wanted clothes on ebay, no one's buyin though so I've stopped.

10. REVENGE!

11. Hip Hop Confidence

12. No fighting!

I'M BACK BITCHES!

-2014 REBOOT