I can't believe how long its been since I've written something here. I've had a tumultuous past 2 years. I literally wanted to die on several occasions. Although my suicidal idealization only stays in my mind, never goes beyond the barrier into the tangible world. My parents have never really seen my motivation in doing anything after undergrad, and I guess that is all because I'm apathetic towards life. I don't have a self-directed direction, the one that I had was what I thought I was supposed to do because of where I come from and what my parents want in ensuring me a stable future. I can't blame them but I feel sad for not carving my own path and following the beat of my own drum.
To avoid parental fear of my career instability, I've applied to some health professional graduate schools, so if i get in to anything maybe then I'll have direction. Right?
In keeping with adult responsibilities and good physical health I started exercising more last fall. It's 3-4 days of intense activity at a crossfit place, if that indicates anything. I also took a high-level science class at a local college, I got an A but I'm indifferent to my successes because I feel like their given. Growing up getting high marks had to be the standard. So whenever I do well I don't feel any happy, and when I do get bad grades I cry for a couple days and then the feeling passes. My range of emotions goes from indifferent to misery basically.
Living at home has pushed me into thinking about high school. Like how I wish I could've changed my way of thinking. I wish I did things for myself rather than other people. I wish I wasn't so mean to people I liked. My world view in liking someone was based on Helga Pataki so I just pushed people away and that was not an appropriate response.
I also remember binge-eating till I wanted to throw up, I don't do that anymore, but mostly because I've gotten lazy in getting food. I don't know what this says about me. I used to lay on the floor and my stomach would hurt for about an hour and a half. I hated the feeling but I couldn't stop, perhaps I just wanted to not feel so empty, which is the most cliche thing to say ha. I once tried to stave myself for 2 days but when people ask you to eat it's hard to avoid eating without them asking questions, so I stopped. The headaches were also bad, feeling hungry wasn't bad, the headaches were've stopped purposely starving myself but I still suffer from hunger-related headaches but it happens rarely now.
I kind of miss my old friends here but maybe it's a good thing that I don't care about my high school friends keeping in contact with me. Because if they wanted to be in my life they would have reached out. I lost my grandfather in December 2013, and if I can get myself together through that then I think I'll be okay without them. Perhaps we're too different now anyways, they are busy with their fruitful lives, I don't want to bog them down with my depression and miserable life. I am a weird person, that's a fact, I think sometimes it's good thing but my quirks can turn a lot of people off when they initially meet me.
I don't know what's going to happen, I know though my mind can get to a very dark place, it can get hard to handle, I think its fine that I can do this by myself. I had a college friend commit suicide, and it pains me that I didn't say something to him, especially because we were from the same ethnic and artsy background. It might not have made a difference but I wish I had talked to him more about the grey than just always give him my cheerful demeanor. How ironic. Sometimes he would look sad, and I didn't think much of it. I wish I would've been there for him, or shared my own feelings.
All these thoughts aren't pointing to something, I'm just desperately wishing that my life won't be stagnant or be miserable in the next year. Throughout these years, far back to high school, I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought I would always be alone. Now I don't mind too much about being alone. I think I just want to feel happy, whether that be playing music or hanging out with close friends. I've broken down a couple of times this year, and I want it to stop. I don't want to be stuck.
