Screw this! and the grammar!

I hate beginnings, and endings that leave you with more questions than you had in the beginning.

This is the first day of me recording my thoughts.. publicly. And I've had this blog for awhile, since December of 2007. Even in boredom I didn't want to blog. But that has since changed. I think it's time for one big fat change. Starting today I'm trying to take control of my life. I can't say how but I feel today is the day. Today I've done more stuff than the past days of summer.
I went to summer school for Health- not because I failed, although I do feel like a delinquent, but because I have to take this required credit to graduate. So after school I went to the hospital to volunteer for about three hours. Most of the departments didn't need any help except the endoscopy dept. and ugg I had to do PAPERWORK. I wanted to go to a dept. with a little more action...ICU? But I kept a smile on my face, adopted a light, courteous voice and did the work. It wasn't bad, it was just boring.
So... for some reason I had my mind set on doing this blog.
Now this blog is going to be written in stream of consciousness because it's the easiest way for me to put down my words. And this writing is for me, it's selfish but screw it! I don't care.
Oh and yes I'm a teenager so that's probably why I sound so angst-y ... maybe I shouldn't say that or people well above my age might try to contact me. Even though there are people well above my age in my grade- I went to pres-school early. Yeesh I blab alot.
So let me just get on track. Before I went to the hospital I went to the library in my school. I just browsed through the fiction sections from A to P in the library. Now my friend recommended me this certain book that I've already known about. It's called Born Confused. I am an Indian American and this book was about being an Indian American. The back cover info on it separated it from the other Indian American novels like the infamous How Opal Mehta got kissed, got wild, and got a life(sure the plagarism was bad but the plot was overkill) or something around that title. Born Confused is a bit like The Namesake in heritage. BC is about a girl born in America with Indian parents, and her struggle with identity. She is too American to be Indian and too Indian to be American. that is exactly how I feel. Confused about who I am and whether or not if I would fit in. In America I look so different but I, of course, talk and act like my peers, but my appearance allows others to stereotype me, which is always inescapable, it will always occur. And in India I can blend in but even the subtlest thing I do can reveal that I'm an American. When I stand at a bus stop surrounded by other Indians, I feel like I'm a white American, but in America I feel like a dusky-looking Indian girl. I want to read this book even though I first passed it by, I think now I see it in a different light. So in the library I picked this book up just to browse and I found a card that I knew belonged to my friend's mother. It was my friend's temporary book mark. She hadn't finished the book. And soon I'll be starting it. Goodness I hope I finish it. But I put the book back in it's place, so when I come to the library again I could ponder some more about the past borrowers and dive into the book, with a bit more caffeine in my body, after all it is a looong book.

By the way...so what if all I put down wasn't connected it's still verry long. Gosh I'm still wondering about who I am... sometimes I wish I belonged to a rich WASP family, living in Manhattan and going to a private school, with a family tree and everything. Ugg I left with more questions now than at the beginning. Why?