Feel

 Thoughts from listening to Untamed by Glennon Doyle:

feel

FEEL

Feel

___________________

Last night I cried.

Cried because I realized two visions of my future that I had when I was in high school would be true.

One- I thought I would be satisfied with just working and then eating food that I made in my own apartment. Like it would be just enough for me to keep wanting to live. I could maybe be happy, maybe. It's the gamble I took. It was a pretend thought, a hoping thought that I would be fine with this.

Two- I would be alone. 

Both visions were realized-

One of A life working; coming home to an apartment, and making food for myself and watching something comical (cause why include more sadness if there is a choice to choose as it was automatic in my life); maybe take a picture of the food if it was pretty. And then gobble it up. As if it would solve all my problems of feeling numb and empty.

I subconsciously knew then what I know now, that it's not actually enough.

Because it was only a coping mechanism- I knew since high school, I recall saying to myself in bed at night that- "I know deep in my bones I would be alone".  I feel no one out there.

And no it's not self-fulfilling when I've tried.

I would/will never know that kind of love. I would be alone. No matter how nice, kind, sweet, good, hard-working, smart, pretty I was, it would never be enough. I feel like a background character in everyone's life. An aside. I would float to the superficiality of attraction, which I hold to be true- I am not beautiful, not that pretty.  In all honestly looks matter. 

I'm tired of being the individual hanging out with the pair, the couples. Being with people makes me feel even more alone. At one of my birthdays I was "with friends";  but these friends have/brought their someone. I felt the boundary. 

I guess I am still "young" but when you've never done anything or received anything in a romantic way for your entire life of nearly 30 years you come to accept that maybe I'm not meant for it, not that I don't deserve it, but like it's just not in the cards?

Anyways. Wish me luck on attending 3 weddings this year, with my ~single~ self!

March MADNESS: Depression

 I guess you cannot really escape it. 

Sometimes in life, one can manage with meds or therapy. But it is still always with you...with me.

I really can't escape it. I'm just living with a mask to everyone. I'm just faking being nice to everyone, because if I wasn't then I'd actually be a nothing, a zero, not worthy of living.

I started this narration a year ago...I didn't finish my thoughts. Despite a high-pressure albeit high-paying job and an increasing number in my bank account I still am this way, nothing has changed. 

(originally posted on 3/7/21, today 3/25/23 I have updated it for clarity and completeness, coincidentally it is march)

Forever

He kissed her on the lips, gently and lightly.

He kissed her for one last time.

She would try to relive that moment. Not the kiss, for that revealed THE END.

She would go back to the instant before their lips touched.

Because once they did meet she knew something was up, was wrong.

As it gave a mornful cry in her heart.

But...

If she went back to before that ironically illuminating meeting, she would still have that feeling of a wide eyed girl in love with the world,

and not the sad worn out woman she had become when he told her the words:

"I don't love you anymore".

STOP.

She would rewind and go back, again.

To the anticipation

of her good lover's kiss.

To the thought, the feeling it brought to her- of unlimited possibility, of life, of being loved, of safety, of hope for another opportunity to feel this feeling again.

But now, no more.

He had kissed her for one last time.

But she kissed him in her head over and over again.

So how's life?

I turned. 

and I saw,

and he saw.

and I didn't open my mouth.

Only in my mind, I spoke "hey"...

and I smiled with my eyes

with an awkward face

occupying a place that I was unsure of being

and he walked on by.

and I walked back into the rest of my life.