Feel

 Thoughts from listening to Untamed by Glennon Doyle:

feel

FEEL

Feel

___________________

Last night I cried.

Cried because I realized two visions of my future that I had when I was in high school would be true.

One- I thought I would be satisfied with just working and then eating food that I made in my own apartment. Like it would be just enough for me to keep wanting to live. I could maybe be happy, maybe. It's the gamble I took. It was a pretend thought, a hoping thought that I would be fine with this.

Two- I would be alone. 

Both visions were realized-

One of A life working; coming home to an apartment, and making food for myself and watching something comical (cause why include more sadness if there is a choice to choose as it was automatic in my life); maybe take a picture of the food if it was pretty. And then gobble it up. As if it would solve all my problems of feeling numb and empty.

I subconsciously knew then what I know now, that it's not actually enough.

Because it was only a coping mechanism- I knew since high school, I recall saying to myself in bed at night that- "I know deep in my bones I would be alone".  I feel no one out there.

And no it's not self-fulfilling when I've tried.

I would/will never know that kind of love. I would be alone. No matter how nice, kind, sweet, good, hard-working, smart, pretty I was, it would never be enough. I feel like a background character in everyone's life. An aside. I would float to the superficiality of attraction, which I hold to be true- I am not beautiful, not that pretty.  In all honestly looks matter. 

I'm tired of being the individual hanging out with the pair, the couples. Being with people makes me feel even more alone. At one of my birthdays I was "with friends";  but these friends have/brought their someone. I felt the boundary. 

I guess I am still "young" but when you've never done anything or received anything in a romantic way for your entire life of nearly 30 years you come to accept that maybe I'm not meant for it, not that I don't deserve it, but like it's just not in the cards?

Anyways. Wish me luck on attending 3 weddings this year, with my ~single~ self!