You're single ?

When people as me why am I not married or something similar, I might as well ask them When do you expect to die. It's only fair. Well Friends I am dying, well actually this site is. Actually, I am moreso graduating or moving on to my next life. ON substack Follow me HERE

Maybe I have not found someone because I don't want anyone to take me off my path

It's juvinille thinking but maybe no one saw me or wanted to be with me because 1/ I don't put myself out there 2/ I'm ugly(or not societally/conventionally attractive -whatever words you want to use) It's very hard But I've learned to be hyper independent- wow what a buzzword, I don't ask for help, which is good and bad. Although it is difficult living, with no one to take care of you when you're sick with fever, crying alone, no one making you food or taking out the trash when you're recovering after a major surgery, digging your car out of the snow with no respite. I can say I did it by myself. I don't know if that makes me stronger, or more resilent which could help me in later life. But I am also very tired...

Another DEPRESSION post...I guess this is a series now

Well I'm back again, I'm 32 and just when I think I have overcome/conquered my wittle sadness, it becomes big again. Nothing humbles you like being back at your parents. I thought I would dress in clothes I actually like/am comfortable in, but when presented to the 'rents it was deemed unpresentable for people to see me in. And I can't stay locked up in my bedroom-"what does she even do in there?" they say. They don't even have to say it, I feel it.

What to do when your sad

 A lot has happened thus far in the story...

A lot has happened in the past several years. Ya know.

What is the need for me to personally verbalize this now? 

I am sad. I choose to write about it now.

The feelings are the same despite many life events, not necessarily life changes.

Everything changes, nothing changes.

No, I'm not settled down, even after 10 years. 

I'm still searching for myself...

Despite going from place to place.

I feel like I go help people to distract myself from helping myself.

I am depressed

I have wanted to change but there is no change

Maybe verbalizing it here means something now. My desire to change?

Wait. Looking back, I have made some changes, in attitude mostly- I have tried, but why does it feel like it doesn't count?

I googled "what to do when your sad"

Google did not correct my grammar.

The first thing that shows up is the hotline, and the second link is an article on Oprahdaily. 

It gives me long paragraphs to deal with- like the sadness wasn't enough.

It offers this to stop being sad:

-I can write (how meta), release my emotions and cry, create some small successes like washing my face, or "find what does make you happy (and laugh)", or reach out to someone (I'm laughing now).

The comments are a depressing read. Are they even trying the article's suggestions?

The third link is from the CDC, a more clinical and less verbose take on the whole sadness thing.  

Thank god, no comments.

I treat myself by writing this fragmented poem.

Feel

 Thoughts from listening to Untamed by Glennon Doyle:

feel

FEEL

Feel

___________________

Last night I cried.

Cried because I realized two visions of my future that I had when I was in high school would be true.

One- I thought I would be satisfied with just working and then eating food that I made in my own apartment. Like it would be just enough for me to keep wanting to live. I could maybe be happy, maybe. It's the gamble I took. It was a pretend thought, a hoping thought that I would be fine with this.

Two- I would be alone. 

Both visions were realized-

One of A life working; coming home to an apartment, and making food for myself and watching something comical (cause why include more sadness if there is a choice to choose as it was automatic in my life); maybe take a picture of the food if it was pretty. And then gobble it up. As if it would solve all my problems of feeling numb and empty.

I subconsciously knew then what I know now, that it's not actually enough.

Because it was only a coping mechanism- I knew since high school, I recall saying to myself in bed at night that- "I know deep in my bones I would be alone".  I feel no one out there.

And no it's not self-fulfilling when I've tried.

I would/will never know that kind of love. I would be alone. No matter how nice, kind, sweet, good, hard-working, smart, pretty I was, it would never be enough. I feel like a background character in everyone's life. An aside. I would float to the superficiality of attraction, which I hold to be true- I am not beautiful, not that pretty.  In all honestly looks matter. 

I'm tired of being the individual hanging out with the pair, the couples. Being with people makes me feel even more alone. At one of my birthdays I was "with friends";  but these friends have/brought their someone. I felt the boundary. 

I guess I am still "young" but when you've never done anything or received anything in a romantic way for your entire life of nearly 30 years you come to accept that maybe I'm not meant for it, not that I don't deserve it, but like it's just not in the cards?

Anyways. Wish me luck on attending 3 weddings this year, with my ~single~ self!

March MADNESS: Depression

 I guess you cannot really escape it. 

Sometimes in life, one can manage with meds or therapy. But it is still always with you...with me.

I really can't escape it. I'm just living with a mask to everyone. I'm just faking being nice to everyone, because if I wasn't then I'd actually be a nothing, a zero, not worthy of living.

I started this narration a year ago...I didn't finish my thoughts. Despite a high-pressure albeit high-paying job and an increasing number in my bank account I still am this way, nothing has changed. 

(originally posted on 3/7/21, today 3/25/23 I have updated it for clarity and completeness, coincidentally it is march)

Forever

He kissed her on the lips, gently and lightly.

He kissed her for one last time.

She would try to relive that moment. Not the kiss, for that revealed THE END.

She would go back to the instant before their lips touched.

Because once they did meet she knew something was up, was wrong.

As it gave a mornful cry in her heart.

But...

If she went back to before that ironically illuminating meeting, she would still have that feeling of a wide eyed girl in love with the world,

and not the sad worn out woman she had become when he told her the words:

"I don't love you anymore".

STOP.

She would rewind and go back, again.

To the anticipation

of her good lover's kiss.

To the thought, the feeling it brought to her- of unlimited possibility, of life, of being loved, of safety, of hope for another opportunity to feel this feeling again.

But now, no more.

He had kissed her for one last time.

But she kissed him in her head over and over again.

So how's life?

I turned. 

and I saw,

and he saw.

and I didn't open my mouth.

Only in my mind, I spoke "hey"...

and I smiled with my eyes

with an awkward face

occupying a place that I was unsure of being

and he walked on by.

and I walked back into the rest of my life.

What I've learned about Creativity

 -Ideas come in multiples- the same or similar idea occurs to multiple people around the world.

It is up to you to take that idea, that inspiration and run with it. USE IT and make it into Something, then release it out into the world. The Universe may be presenting the same idea to many people, a lot of discoveries come in multiples at around the same time, or for certain, there is someone else that thought like you in the past, or even RIGHT NOW as you are reading these words.

-It's okay to have a "day job"

The pressure to pay the bills can stifle creativity. It doesn't deserve that kind of burden. At least for me, with balance, creating things is not "on the side" but just another part of what I do in the day. A lot of creatives need another thing to live and cannot rely on their Art alone. But that's okay because you will still be able to create if you want to, and hey more power to you if you can get that to become your day job.

-Is the job or career worthy enough that you are fine with the shit that may come or comes with it?

Whether it be the repeated rejections of your art or writing, or working 80 crazy hours. I love cooking and baking, it would be amazing if I was able to fill the majority of my day with it, same goes for drawing and painting. But I don't think I can tolerate the stuff that comes with it in a full-time job. Now with music, my love my passion, if I get rejected a million times- and I've experienced a fraction of that-or I have to learn music theory and production and things I didn't really want to learn because I'm not actively creating music but I do it because these basics will eventually help me, WELL I will still keep doing it. One day if I can get paid enough to sustain my life then I'll let it consume me even if it comes with "the bad". You have to be fine with the shit that comes with your desired job, at least if you want to stick with it. But hey I'm not telling you can't complain! 

The BEST feeling in the world

    other than falling in love-requited or unrequited

-is the feeling of being propelled forward by something while you yourself are also moving forward-physically and/or mentally. Gilbert gives an example of walking on those moving platforms at the airport, I love that feeling too.  I've also felt it while running, right until the moment of breathlessness catches me. I've once dreamt of running but not feeling out of breath- that was an ideal serene feeling.

It's the same with creating something, looking back on it, and feeling happy, satisfied with what you wrought out of thin air. For me, it seems like there is a path floating in the universe, a yellow brick road toward my idea realized. I feel proud when I've found it and walked on it toward, but I'm always thinking is this the right path? The brick road is actually a rough forest trail that sometimes has markings to guide you but other times there is little demarcation between the trail, the forest, and you. It's only looking back that I see there was a man-made path.

The Creative Endeavour can seem hazy but by sticking with it, trusting the process, and with persistence, the ideas turn into the actual thing that makes you happy.

Creative Living

WELL, I should just put it down right now.

Before I forget. Before I don't want to anymore. Before the moment escapes me.

And maybe I'll post about the past soon.

But for now...

To Live a Creative Life:

(A writing based on listening to the first part of Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic). 

(Of which I've finally sat down and listened to after sitting idle in my audible library for a couple years, but it seems the wait was purposeful because I'm at a place and time in my life that I can relate to and enact these changes).

In this certainly uncertain, sad, life-changing, history-has-yet-again-repeated, TIME, I am allowed to re-evaluate my life.

It IS selfish to think that this time was made for me to account for my life thus far. But amongst the backdrop of struggle and with the privilege of good circumstance, I can re-adjust my life.

There were barriers to my "creative living".

My job, my mindset, the time.

There are still distractions that pull me away from the endeavor. But the pang of not-doing tugs me back to my path.

Ah yes, it may be "safer" to hide my creativity, scared to share my "treasures" or in my own words -"sacred sensitive thoughts". But if I live "safely" I will resent it, with questions and "what-ifs" running through my head.

These barriers are now either silent or quieter.

Like Gilbert's ice-skating-at-40-years-old friend, I can now submerge myself in THE THING that brings value to my life. 

Music.

Plus, I've gained the perspective and active intention of wanting to live the way I want.

Yes, it takes courage, which I try to gather and gain in every moment, to form and free my feelings in the cold, hard world.

Fear of sharing, of letting your thoughts out there-bare and raw, with no explanation, or one that may not be easily explained, is scary. BUT not following through on your dreams is the actual failure or grief.

Following your fear will not protect you. But live alongside it. Use it to fuel you.

Creativity is uncertain per Gilbert, and fear is a result of uncertainty or all about avoiding this uncertainty.

When I was at the beginning of my first job, I had lots of fear. That's typical of course. Especially with a patient coming in with an unknown or vague diagnosis, I was fearful of if I'll do things right or not. 

IF.

If I'll do it right, because of the uncertainty of it all I might fail.

So what if I fail?

I could still keep trying-And I did and gained more experience. If things didn't go right the first time then well, say "okay", move on, learn, and keep trying.

Now later on I did become comfortable, almost automatic in the way I did things. Working with kids though still kept me on my toes, literally. 

But I was still fearful of becoming TOO comfortable. It leads to stagnation and being fine with the way things are, and not re-thinking every so often; you could make a mistake. Protocols are well and good but it can PAY to be uncertain. Being on your toes will keep you sharp, still questioning, evaluating, to do it better.

Along the lines of Gilbert's thinking, one of my professors imparted similar wisdom upon me about fear; don't eliminate it. Live alongside it. If you aren't a little bit nervous (a result of fear and maybe even caring) then you've lost the game. Meaning you've settled in and got too comfortable-stagnant. You need to get out of that! Shake yourself, change it up. 

Keep learning and growing, there might be an ever-changing situation afoot that needs new thinking and doing.

Do I sound like an adult now?

From where I've been to where I'm going.

I still feel like a kid some days. I'm still uncertain about many things.

Moving up?

So Im in the middle of my first year of grad school, it's a doctorate program. Crazy right?

I still do feel my mood drop sometimes in my brain and then go away within an hour of it appearing.
It doesn't interfere with my daily functions but it still sucks.
IDK about therapy, I'm not comfortable with that yet.